I Don't Deserve It

You ever feel like that about God's love, mercy, grace and the gift He gave us through His son Jesus Christ who died a guiltless, sinless death for our souls salvation?

That's how I feel often when I've had an "episode" and lost it with my children or husband. Being bipolar and just realizing it after 35 years of life is depressing and embarrasing. I wonder how my family and friends are thinking about me or if they don't think much about it at all. That was my Dad's reaction as if it's nothing new to talk about....well for me it is! If I would've been properly diagnosed and treated as a child then my life would most definitely be different. Now I don't think about getting medication I am too set in my ways and way too stubborn for that. I deal with it in day to day life as stuff comes up.

I know that it will be different as my children get older and are in school. But the life I deserve is nothing like the one I have now. How could God save someone like me I often wonder? How could He love me? How could His love for me be true? I am not a great person, a wonderful person, or even a nice person often I am angry, frustrated, selfish, self-seeking, annoyed, sad, bored and just taking up space in God's green earth.

Even so God saved me, loved me, healed me took me in under His protection matched me with a wonderful man whose totally in-love with all of me and has given us two children to look after, raise and love. I find that amazing! I can't help but stop and be astonished by God's gift of grace that keeps on giving no matter how low, how bad, how messed up I am His love endures.

Living an honorable life is hard work to not give into the many temptations and desires this world offers. But God's faith in me and His love makes it a worthwhile goal to have the rest of my life to work hard at being pleasing to Him and doing the right things in life and making the better choices.

"Rahab the prostitute is another example. She was shown to be right with God by her actions when she hid those messengers and sent them safely away by a different road. Just as the body is dead without breath, so also is faith dead without good works." James 2:25-26


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